Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
