I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
