sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
