i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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