u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
