I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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