dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
