onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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