and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
