3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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