I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
