omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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