dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
