I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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