Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
