i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
