Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
