Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Randomize
