I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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