I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
do herpes really smell.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
