my phone needs a breathalizer
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
