The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
