When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
