Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
