there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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