I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
