I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
