Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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