Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
