apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
