it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
