rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
