And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
