hotel room ftw
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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