How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
