just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
