you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
