He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
