just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
