god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
