if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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