I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
