He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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