he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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