lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
