hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
