and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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