If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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