My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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