She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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