You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
