i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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