Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
